Sturgeon's Law

National Endowment for the Arts Chairman Dana Gioia and Poetry Foundation President John Barr today announced a joint $100 million effort to stamp out any potential advance exposure of poems accepted by literary journals. They have named the project Poets Against Previous Publication (PAPP).

The PAPP initiative will be headed by Steven D. Schroeder, who holds the new position of First Serial Rights Czar. A panel of advisors, including the editors of such noted print and online magazines as Poemightier, The Dugong Review Quarterly, and Living in a Cave, will assist him, supplemented by battle-tested veterans of the wars on terror, drugs, and file sharing.

The editors involved in PAPP agree that the value of their journals would be harmed by a poem having appeared in front of a dozen or more people, some of whom might then seek out the journal upon hearing the poem was published there. There are also unconfirmed reports of thousands of angry subscribers demanding their money back because they had seen a good poem before.

"Writers may claim they're only posting a draft in a workshop where the poems aren't searchable and quickly vanish, but in reality those are gateway publications," Schroeder says. "Also, poetry bloggers are demented gnomes who want to devour your children. I just felt like pointing that out."

Schroeder will dispatch hundreds of mercenaries to monitor every poetry blog, online workshop, and personal website worldwide for poems, then track the submission and acceptance of said poems. The work qualifies for hazard pay due to the high potential for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So far, few people have signed up for the Poem Police, but recruiting numbers are expected to increase along with their authority to enact brutal vigilante-style justice on offenders.

"Unless we carefully control the flow of information, a reader could conceivably find out what poems were in a journal, then contact the poet and just ask to read the poems. I'd sooner punch a puppy in the face than allow that," Schroeder says as he punches a cute puppy in the face.

One of the most ambitious programs PAPP plans to implement is the effort to ensure that no poem is read in public prior to its publication in a magazine. A recent survey by Editors Semiweekly listed reading "new work" at an open mic night as the second most popular form of previous publication fitting PAPP's expanded definition, behind only crumpling up a copy of a draft and putting it in a garbage bin to which other people might have access.

"In the future, I hope to further refine the guidelines so a poem is previously published if anyone other than the writer has ever seen or thought about it," Schroeder says. "That would include when the editor opens the envelope or e-mail and reads it. Tough shit."

Reb Livingston has been placed at the top of PAPP's Most Wanted List. She is considered self-promoting and dangerous, and may be carrying poems objectively valued at $313.58. PAPP advises you not to read her journal or blog.

I was just starting to think it was silly superstition when I got the mail today and found that The Bitter Oleander wants to publish my poem "Coal Seam Fire." I'm especially happy about this because of their focus on international poets and translations, which means I'll be in strange and diverse company.

In addition to the polishing and printing and mailing I mentioned yesterday, now I'm a team member short at work and have to take on a bunch of extra resume work. I'll make it my blog goal to say one worthwhile thing on here by the end of Friday. You ain't getting it today, though.

I may not be posting as extensively this week because I'm polishing up the ol' manuscript to send it out several places.

Bullet points today.

• The worst part about helping a poet move, as I did yesterday? All those damn books. One of the best parts? He had the good taste to get a bunch of free boxes from local liquor stores, so it looked like he was hauling case after case of Jagermeister and Coors Light and such into his new house.
• Several prominent journals have gotten onto my submissions shitlist recently. Shenandoah was the worst offender: I sent work to them in January or February, only to get a note back saying they weren't reading at that point and would start reading again on March 15. This information was not on their website, which is (in case they don't realize) easily updateable and the most convenient way for people to find up-to-date submission guidelines. So then I sent work in May over a week in advance of their May 15 deadline. I waited a few weeks, then got back a form note saying "We don't read after May 15." Sorry, guys, but even if that's not a postmark deadline, I'm willing to bet you had my submission in your office before May 15. Other offenders: Western Humanities Review, which did the same damn "We don't read after date X" thing without noting it on their website, and Gettysburg Review, which took a long time (though not as long as when I've sent there previously) and didn't bother to include a note of any sort when they returned my poems, so I had to double-check my records to make sure it was them.
• I obtained a new Microsoft laser wireless keyboard/mouse combo. It seems to be working very well with my computer, and it's ergonomic, which is good since I've had some hand/arm posture issues in the past (mild carpal tunnel, that compressed ulnar nerve). The only drawback here is that the space bar is flaky and doesn't recognize keypresses that well, but this is overall a good product.
• I'm going to stop labelling my blog posts. Sorry, but this feature is awful as implemented by Blogger. If I type "poetry" into the labels field and type a comma, it auto-completes as "not poetry." Really fucking great, people.
• Want to come to a barbecue on July 14th in Colorado Springs? You're invited!
  

If you've read me long enough, you may know that poems-on-poetry are not generally something I like. There's enough navel gazing and narcissism in contemporary poetry anyway, so when a poem starts to go on about the power of poetry or (even worse) the process, my eyes start sneaking toward the door (or just about anything else, really). But there are a few poems-on-poetry/writing that I actually like, so I'm going to list all the ones I can think of and see if I can get to 13. You won't find Marianne Moore's "Poetry" (half good mean fun, half poorly edited blather) or Archibald MacLeish's wrongheaded "Ars Poetica" here.

1. "Teaching the Ape to Write Poetry" by James Tate. Funny-creepy is one of my favorite tones for poetry. I also like apes and hubris.
2. "The Joy of Writing" by Wislawa Szymborska. Killer first three lines. Szymborska does a lot of poems-on-poetry, doesn't she?
3. "Because You Asked About the Line Between Prose and Poetry" by Howard Nemerov. Sharp lyric description put to good use.
4. "Paradoxes and Oxymorons" by John Ashbery. It figures that one of the Ashbery poems I like more (and feel like wanders off into space less) is one that seems to me is gently tweaking people who complain about his poetry. Was that "Every Ashbery poem is about poetry" line just a straw man Vendler made up to pummel, or can it be sourced to someone?
5. "Wrong Poem" by Mark Halliday. This one wins me over with the phrase "drooling gerbil." Oddly, the only place it can be found online is from when I posted it in the comments of A. D.'s blog (and it's a terrible fit for the kind of poem he was looking for--I probably posted it just because I thought it was fun).
6. "Ground Swell" by Mark Jarman. This was one of the first poems I discovered in contemporary poetry when I started following it in college.
7. "Lines" by Martha Collins. I'm going to interpret this one broadly and say it can be about writing too.
8. "Love the Wild Swan" by Robinson Jeffers. I'm a sucker for misanthropy if it's done artfully.
9. "Eating Poetry" by Mark Strand. Apparently it helps you get on this list if your name is Mark.
10. "Why I Am Not a Painter" by Frank O'Hara. This pretty much epitomizes New York School, doesn't it? Both the stuff I like and the stuff I don't like so much.
11. "Why the Prose Poem Will Never Get the Respect It So Richly Deserves" by Robert Perchan. From the Poetry West chapbook contest winner. Fun, crazy stuff.
12. "The Poem" by Ellen Kirvin Dudis. First published in The Eleventh Muse.
13. "Hello Thank You" by Jordan Davis.

Fine, I cheated at the end. If I ever write a poem that's blatantly on poetry (I think that theme can be found in some of my current poems, but it's not at the fore), I will call it "Arse Poetica." That's probably already been used, though. Sigh...

Labels: poetry, top 13

I've been making enough money in this manager gig that today I sent off a check to pay the entire outstanding balance of my car loan (about a year worth) so now it's truly mine. Feels nice. Doesn't feel any different to drive the car today than it did yesterday or anything, though.

Labels: cars, not poetry

I'm off in a while to a belated birthday dinner with my mom and brother. (My mom was in either France or Ireland Scotland on my actual birthday.) I probably won't post anything notable until tomorrow. I'm quite sure we'll all survive.

Labels: family, not poetry

Today's edition was provoked by the fact that I actually liked last week's poem in Slate, much to my surprise. All too often they print mediocre poetry by poets I've seen much better from. But this one was good for me.

"I've Been Working on the Railroad" by Jeffrey Skinner (Slate)
"Still Life with all the Animals" by Joshua Marie Wilkinson (Meridian) (PDF File)

Labels: Best of Journals Online, poetry

Today's journal back issue is Gulf Coast, Winter/Spring 2006. As always, I'm listing all the poems I liked, bolding the ones I definitely would have wanted to publish, and italicizing any of those where I have a connection to the poet so you can see my conflicts of interest.

"Treatment," Robyn Art
"Rumination," Hadara Bar-Nadav
"Notes from the Boat Docks," Kristin Bock
"The Great Poet Makes an Offering," Eric Burger
"Manitoba Widow Flies," Lindsey Penelope Lewis
"White Room Dendrology," Lindsey Penelope Lewis
"Alba," Paul Muldoon
"Dry," Rachel Pridgeon
"Moonshine," Barbara Ras
"A Wife Explains Why She Likes Country," Barbara Ras
"Second Day of Autumn," Anthony Robinson
"Wilderness with Glowing Aperture," Tim Ross
"Trichotillomania Redux," Alison Townsend
"Loft," Ellen Wehle

That's 14 of 39 for 35.9%, a very good rate, and 4 of 39 I'd definitely have wanted to publish without a second thought, not bad either. Tim Ross's poem was particularly a standout--I'm not at all familiar with his work and may have to seek more now.

Labels: journals, poetry

Yesterday I hit what I believe is my first-ever straight flush in competitive Texas Hold 'Em. I limped in with the 8-7 of clubs, flopped an open-ended straight flush draw with the 5-6 of clubs, then turned the 9. Doubled up on the hand, naturally. I got switched over to Poker Stars because Full Contact Poker closed up shop (but not before I bought a whole deck of cards with my Frequent Player Points), and I was running well both before and after the switch.

Labels: not poetry, poker

This list isn't quite the same as my 13 favorite movies, some of which I'm not quite so inclined to see over and over or randomly spew lines from, usually with my brother. As always, I may slightly misquote the lines when I do them from memory.

1. Tombstone
Best scene: Johnny Ringo and Doc Holliday threaten each other in Latin.
Favorite line to say: "You know, Frederic fucking Chopin."

2. Monty Python's Life of Brian
Best scene: The stoning.
Favorite line to say: "Worse? How could it possibly be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!"

3. Heat
Best scene: The massive gunfight following the bank robbery.
Favorite line to say: "She's got a GREAT ASS! And you got your head all the way up it." I can't possibly replicate in text the way Pacino says that.

4. The Princess Bride
Best scene: The duel between Wesley and Inigo.
Favorite line to say: "Rodents of unusual size? I don't believe they exist." (WHOMP)

5. Get Shorty
Best scene: Travolta throws a pre-Sopranos James Gandolfini down the stairs in some well-known restaurant. Great camera work for all the going up and down the stairs.
Favorite line to say: "This is strictly between you and I." Has to be said with Dennis Farina's hilarious inflection.

6. The Naked Gun
Best scene: Lesley Nielsen impersonates the national anthem singer and an umpire at a baseball game as he tries to find out who's going to kill the Queen of England.
Favorite line to say: "I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!"

7. Goodfellas
Best scene: Long tracking shot as Ray Liotta narrates the various strangely named mobsters at a restaurant.
Favorite line to say: "Now go home and get your fucking shine-box!"

8. Thunderheart
Best scene: The final chase and confrontation.
Favorite line to say: "Listen to the wind. Listen to the owl. He also said don't trust Mr. Magoo."

9. Field of Dreams
Best scene: Shoeless Joe shows up on the field for the first time.
Favorite line to say: "You're a pacifist!" "Shit."

10. Young Frankenstein
Best scene: Gene Hackman as a blind hermit tortures the monster with attempted kindnesses.
Favorite line to say: "Blucher!" (Neeeeeeeigh)

11. Bowfinger
Best scene: Eddie Murphy's character, unaware he's the star of a movie being filmed, is confronted by a menacing man telling him about aliens and plutonium.
Favorite line to say: "My gonads! My gonads!" (accompanied by electronic chirps from a polygraph-type device)

12. Ronin
Best scene: The wrong-way tunnel chase.
Favorite line to say: "What color was the boathouse at Hereford?" "How the hell should I know?"

13. Scarface
Best scene: The climactic shootout.
Favorite line to say: "I bury those cockaroaches!" Another movie helped infinitely by Pacino's hamminess

Labels: movies, not poetry

The title of the poem comes from my friend Anissa and her grandmother.

Labels: drafts, poetry

So as a nice surprise on my birthday yesterday, I found out my poem "Sturgeon's Law" will be appearing in the next issue of Court Green. That's another of the fun journals I've really wanted to get into, so hurray!

Labels: journals, poetry, publication

Yeah, it's my birthday again. One of those fun round number milestones too. Maybe I'll have a chocolate milkshake tonight. Maybe I'll drink a lot this weekend. Don't have anything particular planned to celebrate, though.

Labels: not poetry

I've been playing poker again quite a bit. I won $40 two Thursdays ago, but mostly it's been small gains. It's amazing how much effort it is to shift between different playing styles, but fortunately I'm not playing against the best competition in the world.

Labels: not poetry, poker

I'm currently reading and enjoying Zachary Schomburg's The Man Suit. In addition to liking the poems in general, I love the fact that he has a subject matter index at the back. In fact, I'm going to steal the idea for my book (though to be fair, I've also had an Index of Fun Words in The Eleventh Muse the last three years). Anyway, here are some things that will definitely be in my index:

• Colorado
• alcohol
• fishing
• apes and monkeys
• guns
• fire (and smoke)
• cars
  

I'm also debating whether to include slightly more big-picture items like depression, as well as more stylistic items like epigraphs. It's really interesting how much doing something like this will make you think about your own manuscript, especially if you didn't write it while thinking of all the poems in terms of how they'd fit in a book.

Labels: books, poetry

I'm pleased to say that based on a conversation I had this week, it looks like someone good and trustworthy will be stepping up to take on The Eleventh Muse. More information as things solidify.

Labels: poetry, The Eleventh Muse

I nominate this guy. I could have picked a better article though, because there are only a couple misplaced modifiers in this one, and they're usually a lot funnier too.

Labels: not poetry, prose

...for a journal to say they wouldn't publish poems that had been posted to online workshops, given that:

• Those poems are drafts that are almost always changed by the time they go out seeking publication.
• Good online workshops are search-engine-resistant.
• Good online workshops flush their old drafts after a fairly short amount of time.
  
• Most online workshops at least allow the poet to go back and delete the draft prior to submission or publication.
  
• Regardless of the limitless potential audience of the Internet, most online workshops have an actual audience well under 100.
• Most online workshop denizens are prone to posting about when and where their work is appearing, which will increase the profile of the journal, not hurt it.

I understand the desire to print(/upload) previously unpublished material: it's the desire for a scoop, and it also helps more non-name poets get published. But a "no online workshops" or "no blog drafts" rule doesn't fit that desire, plus is silly and unenforceable.

Seems to me a better rule would be "nothing I can find by Googling." This would allow posting and subsequent deletion of drafts on blogs, and posting to online workshops, but prevent "permanent" posting on personal websites and other such things the editors might not like. I've even printed a few Googlable poems in The Eleventh Muse because they were good poems--can't say that it hurt the journal's reputation or sales.

Labels: poetry, publication, workshops

Here's a picture of my new tattoo from this weekend.

Labels: not poetry, tattoos

Back from the mountains. My poem "Book Attacks" has been accepted for publication by Cimarron Review. More forthcoming.

Labels: poetry, publication

I like spleens, apparently.

Labels: drafts, poetry