I e-mailed Vanderbilt and Wyoming yesterday to let them know I wouldn't be attending their MFA programs. It's a very tough thing to do, and I can't help but feel like I'm letting people down, even though rationally I don't think it can be taken that way--they have people choose to go elsewhere all the time, and they reject people all the time too. Ultimately, it came down to the fact that I'm happy enough with my poetic and personal situation right now that if I'm going to uproot and move and pay money to get mostly the experience of getting this basically useless piece of paper, it needs to be the perfect situation, and neither place felt quite like it. I think I was closest to going to Wyoming, but I got the feeling that I'd go somewhat crazy (crazier) living in Laramie, I discovered I very much enjoy my steady employment and fiscal solvency, and I also realized that if I'm going to move for an MFA, I'd most like to move to St. Louis, or near there. I think I'll apply next year to several schools in that area. People keep asking me about the low-residency MFAs, but that route doesn't particularly appeal to me.

"Science fiction is what we point at when we say, 'This is science fiction.'"--Damon Knight

"Sure, ninety percent of science fiction is crud. That's because ninety percent of everything is crud."--Theodore Sturgeon

"He could not argue with an angry bed."—-Philip K. Dick

So for an MFA program for Fall 2006, I have to choose between Vanderbilt, Wyoming, and not going. Here are the key factors going into my decision (not necessarily in order of importance):

1. Money. This really is a big deal, as I have no desire to go deep into debt to get a degree that will be of minimal financial value. Vanderbilt has offered me half tuition plus a $3,000 fellowship, and I don't yet know what Wyoming is offering. Not going, of course, is the financially best decision in the short term and quite likely in the long term. Fortunately for the process, money isn't the only factor going into the decision.

2. Friends/Social Network. This is also very important to me, as I love my friends and also don't make close friends quickly. Well, my best network of friends and acquaintances is definitely here in town. However, one of my better friends just moved away, and I expect another two will leave in the near future (say next year or so). The friend who just moved is actually in Laramie now, one of the reasons I applied to Wyoming. I don't really have a network in Nashville anymore, but it is a much bigger city than Laramie (which is small enough to worry me), and I'd get to meet A.D. and Jilly (and anyone else around there I've forgotten, sorry)--on the other hand, the program is going to be much smaller, so less chance to meet people that way. My top choice here was Washington-St. Louis, since my best friend lives there, but no dice with them.

3. Teachers/Learning Environment. This is one area where Colorado Springs really loses--there are some great poets and teachers here in town, but none of them is actually obligated to be my teacher, and I have a lot of well-established distractions here (some of which will travel with me anywhere, of course). At Vanderbilt, I know two of the main poetry teachers: Mark Jarman and Kate Daniels. Mark is a great teacher and one of the main reasons I'm still writing poetry. I only had Kate for one class, and it was very beginner and a bad split poetry/fiction format--it didn't go that well. Rick Hilles is also on there now, and I've heard good things about him, and also apparently Beth Bachmann is there, though I can't find any mention of her on the actual Vanderbilt page, so maybe she isn't now? Anyway, I don't know much about her. And at Wyoming, there's H. L. Hix, whose poetry I love and whom I've heard great things about, and Craig Arnold, who is a damn good writer and with whom I've gotten along nicely when we met. There's someone else I can't remember also.

4. Distance from here. Here is obviously very close to here. Laramie is close enough that I could visit fairly easily. Nashville is not. St. Louis would not really have been either.

5. Prestige. Sure, it matters a little. Both programs are new or new-ish, so there's probably not a huge amount. Vanderbilt is the more prestigious name to put on a resume, but I do already have it once. WashU would have been the winner here, for what small amount that's worth.

x. Intangibles. Honestly, I feel like this category is the reason this whole thing got started, and the whole reason I'm still thinking about going even though my first choice turned me down. Something internal wants me to have an MFA and wants me to try something new. Of course, there's a big intangible desire to stay here, too.

Since I'm basically thinking out loud here, I'm sure I'll come up with other factors that are affecting my decision. I'll add them as I do.