In the spirit of Poetry Slam Bingo. Disclaimer: this is intended for humor purposes only. Playing using all these rules would likely result in death or at least a night in jail.

• If the person introducing the poet makes a reference to knowing the poet personally: 1 drink
  If the person introducing the poet plainly has no personal knowledge of the poet and is reading a standard bio off a piece of paper: 2 drinks
• If the poet suggests how embarrassed he or she is following a glowing introduction: 1 drink
  If the poet suggests it's all true and well deserved: chug
• If the poet asks whether everyone can hear him or her: 1 drink
  If the poet subsequently goes through the whole reading neither too loud nor too quiet: 2 drinks
  
• If there's not a microphone: 1 drink
  If there is a microphone, but the poet chooses not to use it: chug
  
• If the poet gives a shout-out to a significant other in the audience: 1 drink
  If the significant other is also a noted poet: 2 drinks
  
• If the poet namedrops another poet not present: 1 drink
  If the poet actually reads a poem by that person: chug
  
• If the poet reads straight into the page without looking at the audience at all: 1 drink
  If the poet recites all the poems from memory while making eye contact: 2 drinks
  If the poet also walks around and gestures while reciting: chug
  
• If the poet loses his/her place in a book or stack of poem pages: 1 drink
  
• If the poet reads a poem about poetry: 1 drink
• If the poet reads a poem about sex: 1 drink
• If the poet reads a poem about childhood or parenting: 1 drink
• If the poet reads a poem about nature: don't bother to drink
  
• If the poet tells a lengthy anecdote to explain a poem: 1 drink
  If the anecdote lasts at least twice as long as the actual poem: 2 drinks
  If the anecdote doesn't ever lead into a poem: chug
  
• If the poet explicates an allusion in a poem: 1 drink
  If it wasn't an allusion you already understood: 2 drinks
  If it was critical to understanding the poem as a whole: chug
  
• If the poet talks and you're not sure whether it's context or an actual poem: 1 drink
• If the poet reads a poem you can't begin to make sense of: 1 drink
  
• If the poet repeats a line because he/she stumbled over it the first time: 1 drink
  If the repetition is for emphasis: chug
  
• If the poet reads a poem with immediately discernible rhyme and meter: 1 drink
  If the poet does so without mentioning said devices: 2 drinks
  
• If the poet explains what form a poem is in before reading it: 1 drink
  If it's a form you haven't heard of: 2 drinks
  If it's actually required to understand something that can't be spotted without reading the poem on the page (e.g., an acrostic): chug
• If the poet announces he/she is leaving the book material to read some new work in loose paper form: 1 drink
  If the new work is of markedly inferior/unfinished quality: 2 drinks
  If it includes any half-baked political rants: chug
• If the poet uses profanity: 1 drink
  If it's not part of a poem: chug
  
• If the poet exhibits any bizarre personal behavior and/or cuts off the reading early: offer your drink
  If you later read online about similar behavior by the poet at other readings: 1 drink
  
• If the poet asks what time it is: 1 drink
• If the poet says he/she is only going to read x more poems: 1 drink
  If x is 4 or greater: 2 drinks
  
• If the crowd laughs at something the poet says: 1 drink
  If the poet pauses for a laugh line that bombs: 2 drinks
  
• If the crowd claps after every poem: 1 drink
  If someone jumps the gun on clapping: chug
  
• If anyone in the crowd calls out a request: 2 drinks
  
• If the poet has a question-and-answer session after the reading: 2 drinks
  
• If someone in the crowd is noticeably falling asleep: 1 drink
  If it's you: 2 drinks
  If the poet pauses the reading to admonish a sleeper: chug
  
• If there's a drunken heckler: chug
  If it's you: leave

Did I miss anything? Post your suggestions...

Well, I was told to wait until late tonight to announce, and this ought to qualify.

I found out a couple days ago that my poem "Crestone Conglomerate" has won the Laureate Prize from The National Poetry Review, meaning I get $300 plus publication in the Summer 2006 issue of TNPR. I can't tell you how excited I am about this--it's made my new year so far. TNPR is a great journal that I subscribe to and that I'd previously tried unsuccessfully to get my poetry into.

Now that it's had three weeks to heal, here's a picture of something new with me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to take a good picture of your own back? Thank you, mirrors.


Happy New Year!