Monday, January 29, 2007
All you regular readers know that I rarely get confessional or even very personal here, but this is going to be one of those posts, so you're warned.
I know I've mentioned my brother here, and I believe I've mentioned that he's an alcoholic. Many of you likely have had a close relationship with an alcoholic or a person with a similar problem, but in case you haven't, I'd like to give you some idea of what it's like to witness someone you care about as much as anyone hurting themselves that way. To talk with them and know that they acknowledge the problem and desperately want to recover but can't. To be even more powerless than them to help even though you wish you could take the bullet. To repeatedly enter bad situations because maybe, just maybe, they're a tiny amount better off with you than without. To see them turn from a witty, sweet person to an uncontrollable belligerent over the course of a couple hours. To have conversations where you're both totally vulnerable even though you know only one of you will probably remember it. To cut yourself off from the worst of it to save a bit of your sanity and to feel hopelessly, utterly guilty about it. To not sleep or to wake up hyperventilating from a nightmare where they hurt themselves or died. And to feel all that hurt rip through you with sharp edges but to understand at the same time that it's nothing compared to the pain they're causing themselves.
I know many people find solace in religion during such times, and I truly envy them. I cannot ever line up behind a deity who makes such terrible things happen to beautiful, smart, wonderful people so often. Since I have no answers, all I can do is keep beating my head against all the walls. I have a thick skull, but I think there are more walls than I can ever even get to, or more than my skull can survive.
I know I've mentioned my brother here, and I believe I've mentioned that he's an alcoholic. Many of you likely have had a close relationship with an alcoholic or a person with a similar problem, but in case you haven't, I'd like to give you some idea of what it's like to witness someone you care about as much as anyone hurting themselves that way. To talk with them and know that they acknowledge the problem and desperately want to recover but can't. To be even more powerless than them to help even though you wish you could take the bullet. To repeatedly enter bad situations because maybe, just maybe, they're a tiny amount better off with you than without. To see them turn from a witty, sweet person to an uncontrollable belligerent over the course of a couple hours. To have conversations where you're both totally vulnerable even though you know only one of you will probably remember it. To cut yourself off from the worst of it to save a bit of your sanity and to feel hopelessly, utterly guilty about it. To not sleep or to wake up hyperventilating from a nightmare where they hurt themselves or died. And to feel all that hurt rip through you with sharp edges but to understand at the same time that it's nothing compared to the pain they're causing themselves.
I know many people find solace in religion during such times, and I truly envy them. I cannot ever line up behind a deity who makes such terrible things happen to beautiful, smart, wonderful people so often. Since I have no answers, all I can do is keep beating my head against all the walls. I have a thick skull, but I think there are more walls than I can ever even get to, or more than my skull can survive.
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My father was an alcoholic, so I know exactly what you mean, including the religion part. He was a Catholic, for all the good it did him.
My father also was an alcoholic, and was never able to manage any kind of recovery or to get his drinking under control in any way. I do totally get what you're going through, and it can eat you alive.
I eventually found, for my own well-being, that I had to back off from any real relationship or connection with him, much of the time. As someone put it once, "to get as far away as you need to from the relationship you have with him right now."
Just passing through and wanted to say I feel for you. It's hard.
I eventually found, for my own well-being, that I had to back off from any real relationship or connection with him, much of the time. As someone put it once, "to get as far away as you need to from the relationship you have with him right now."
Just passing through and wanted to say I feel for you. It's hard.
I have had alcoholism in my family and I know it that it can be just as hard, if not harder, on the family members than the alcoholic himself.
I, too, understand what you are saying. Distance is a good thing. It hurts because you love him and want to help him, but enabling him doesn't really help him. I am sending good thoughts your way.
Alcoholic myself, in recovery, and I have to say that in spite of how grim it is now, many do eventually find their way to sobriety. It is heart-breaking how bad it has to get first, for some. Seems like when family members back off to allow consequences to happen, it can speed up the process. But it is a risk, as your nightmares have already informed you.
- Kelly in Nebraska
- Kelly in Nebraska
today is the five year anniversary of my estrangement from my father. people told me "you just need to drop him" and i was like "just drop him!"
five years later and im a better person because i did drop him.
weird how life works.
five years later and im a better person because i did drop him.
weird how life works.
I'll keep you and your brother in my prayers.
It's so very difficult for family members. We (alcoholics) often hurt those we love most. Just know that there's nothing YOU can do about it except love him. He has to want it, and sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of pain to want it. From my own experience, I had to be completely helpless before I was ready to change. Every person's threshold is different. But as long as he thinks he can control his drinking, he'll keep doing it. And he may continue even after he knows he can't control it, because alcoholism is more than just drinking. The best time to talk to him about it is after a really bad drunk--when he's feeling the pain of his illness and is more vulnerable. You could try to take him to an AA meeting during this time, or call the AA hotline--often people in the fellowship will make housecalls. But it's not your responsability, I only say that because I know how helpless you must feel in this situation.
Anyways, if ever you need someone to talk to, just email me.
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It's so very difficult for family members. We (alcoholics) often hurt those we love most. Just know that there's nothing YOU can do about it except love him. He has to want it, and sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of pain to want it. From my own experience, I had to be completely helpless before I was ready to change. Every person's threshold is different. But as long as he thinks he can control his drinking, he'll keep doing it. And he may continue even after he knows he can't control it, because alcoholism is more than just drinking. The best time to talk to him about it is after a really bad drunk--when he's feeling the pain of his illness and is more vulnerable. You could try to take him to an AA meeting during this time, or call the AA hotline--often people in the fellowship will make housecalls. But it's not your responsability, I only say that because I know how helpless you must feel in this situation.
Anyways, if ever you need someone to talk to, just email me.
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