Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Draft guzzle
Here's a draft of the ghazal I mentioned a few posts ago. I'm still monkeying around with it, so please with the comments if you like.
Comments:
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We did a ghazal last semester in workshop, and the info we were given said that there could be no enjambments, and L1 and L2 should end on the same word and there should be the same number of syllables in each line but I say screw convention. If it works, it works.
I'm a little fuzzy on S2.
I'm a little fuzzy on S2.
Hmm--I know there's no enjambment between couplets, and each line should have the same meter, but I don't know about syllables. I do know that line 1 should end in the refrain, but I ignored that. I also ignored the convention that the author put his name in the last line...
I'm also fuzzy on stanza 2, my least favorite of the bunch.
I'm also fuzzy on stanza 2, my least favorite of the bunch.
The second-to-last stanza totally did it for me. It's natural and forceful without either being overly so. Reminded me very softly of Czeslaw Mislosz, like the nuzzle of a cat or something. Nice work, my good man.
P.S.--My word-verification is hlewtale. I don't know what that is, but it sounds like a good read. And almost like a moo. Uh-oh.
P.S.--My word-verification is hlewtale. I don't know what that is, but it sounds like a good read. And almost like a moo. Uh-oh.
You're right about the syllable thing. I remembered that *ours* had to be the same number of syllables per line.
Good one, though, which I failed to mention the first time.
Good one, though, which I failed to mention the first time.
Steven, there's pretty complete (as far as I can tell) specification of teh ghazal here.
It's a tough form in English, and I very few I've seen follow the rules even as strictly as you did here. I like the poem, but I agree with you and one of the commenters that S2 is weak. Why not just drop it?
And I liked your poem in Rhymes for Adults. Got your copy yet?
It's a tough form in English, and I very few I've seen follow the rules even as strictly as you did here. I like the poem, but I agree with you and one of the commenters that S2 is weak. Why not just drop it?
And I liked your poem in Rhymes for Adults. Got your copy yet?
Thanks for the info and compliment, Mike. I did just receive my Rhymes for Adults and liked it a lot. I've completely changed stanza 2, so we'll see how it sits. Many of the alleged ghazals I've seen were just basically series of unrelated couplets--they didn't do the rhyme, the refrain, anything.
There's some great company in that little chap, isn't there?
If you're interested, the drafts for the only ghazal I ever finished are here.
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If you're interested, the drafts for the only ghazal I ever finished are here.
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