Sturgeon's Law

Thirteen Ways to Popularize Poetry in the Mainstream

For National Poetry Month

1. Convince celebrities to serve as the "authors" of books of poetry.
Books of alleged poetry by Jewel and Jimmy Carter sold way more than you or I ever have. So pay celebrities a small fee to pretend they wrote a book of poems actually ghost-written by you. Imagine the audience for a poetry book by Charlize Theron, Charles Barkley, or Tom Cruise's baby.

2. Print poetry on toilet paper.
I'm firmly convinced this is genius. You can fit a whole book's worth of poems on a single roll, people like to read in the bathroom, and it lets me appropriate/modify this exchange from Blackadder:
"I enjoyed Overlord. Soft, strong, and thoroughly absorbent."
"Yes, I thought it might be right up your alley."

3. Poet insult battles on live television, hosted by Shana Hiatt.
Look what TV and Shana did for poker, another formerly societally marginal venture. Plus, people like rap battles and snarky soap-opera backstabbing, and most poets, not far below the surface, want to bash at least one other poet.

4. Incentive programs.
For every third poetry book you purchase, receive a free milkshake! Or earn frequent-reader points that you can redeem for poet favors such as mowing your lawn or giving you hugs when you're lonely. Poets are like creepier versions of teddy bears.

5. Avant poetry for kids.
None of that pesky education on syntax getting in the way. It'll be like computers--yet another thing to make 8-year-olds think their parents are incompetent cave-people. Imagine the market for Lemony Snicket's Discrete Series of Unrelated Evens.

6. Print poetry on rolling papers.
This one amuses me almost as much as #2. Oh man, I just realized the toilet paper idea is #2. That was totally an accident, I swear. Anyway, can you imagine a stoned teenager reading some Ashbery (hell, some Wilbur) as he rolls up another fat joint?

7. Product placement in poems.
Additional revenue stream plus the hipness that comes from mentioning iPod or Mountain Dew. Can't miss!

8. Set poetry to music.
It's so crazy that it just might work!

9. Door-to-door poets.
Go from house to house asking residents what they want poems about, then writing them. Alternately, web-based poetry writing on demand.

10. Subliminal messages.
Make every nth letter or word of your poem spell out "You like poetry! You want to buy poetry! You find the author charismatic or sexually attractive!"

11. Every time anyone says something you don't like about poetry, punch them in the face.
Free-floating chaos and hostility are always good for business. Just ask Halliburton. (Rim shot)

12. Introduce a new prop at every poetry reading.
A lighter to hold up during solemn poems. A duck call to blow when a poem is done. Cookies thrown into the audience. A sock monkey. Whatever.

13. Stop reading into the goddamn page.
Seriously. Stop it.