Wednesday, January 25, 2006
The Poetry Reading Drinking Game
In the spirit of Poetry Slam Bingo. Disclaimer: this is intended for humor purposes only. Playing using all these rules would likely result in death or at least a night in jail.
- If the person introducing the poet makes a reference to knowing the poet personally: 1 drink
If the person introducing the poet plainly has no personal knowledge of the poet and is reading a standard bio off a piece of paper: 2 drinks - If the poet suggests how embarrassed he or she is following a glowing introduction: 1 drink
If the poet suggests it's all true and well deserved: chug - If the poet asks whether everyone can hear him or her: 1 drink
If the poet subsequently goes through the whole reading neither too loud nor too quiet: 2 drinks - If there's not a microphone: 1 drink
If there is a microphone, but the poet chooses not to use it: chug - If the poet gives a shout-out to a significant other in the audience: 1 drink
If the significant other is also a noted poet: 2 drinks
- If the poet namedrops another poet not present: 1 drink
If the poet actually reads a poem by that person: chug - If the poet reads straight into the page without looking at the audience at all: 1 drink
If the poet recites all the poems from memory while making eye contact: 2 drinks
If the poet also walks around and gestures while reciting: chug - If the poet loses his/her place in a book or stack of poem pages: 1 drink
- If the poet reads a poem about poetry: 1 drink
- If the poet reads a poem about sex: 1 drink
- If the poet reads a poem about childhood or parenting: 1 drink
- If the poet reads a poem about nature: don't bother to drink
- If the poet tells a lengthy anecdote to explain a poem: 1 drink
If the anecdote lasts at least twice as long as the actual poem: 2 drinks
If the anecdote doesn't ever lead into a poem: chug - If the poet explicates an allusion in a poem: 1 drink
If it wasn't an allusion you already understood: 2 drinks
If it was critical to understanding the poem as a whole: chug - If the poet talks and you're not sure whether it's context or an actual poem: 1 drink
- If the poet reads a poem you can't begin to make sense of: 1 drink
- If the poet repeats a line because he/she stumbled over it the first time: 1 drink
If the repetition is for emphasis: chug
- If the poet reads a poem with immediately discernible rhyme and meter: 1 drink
If the poet does so without mentioning said devices: 2 drinks - If the poet explains what form a poem is in before reading it: 1 drink
If it's a form you haven't heard of: 2 drinks
If it's actually required to understand something that can't be spotted without reading the poem on the page (e.g., an acrostic): chug - If the poet announces he/she is leaving the book material to read some new work in loose paper form: 1 drink
If the new work is of markedly inferior/unfinished quality: 2 drinks
If it includes any half-baked political rants: chug - If the poet uses profanity: 1 drink
If it's not part of a poem: chug - If the poet exhibits any bizarre personal behavior and/or cuts off the reading early: offer your drink
If you later read online about similar behavior by the poet at other readings: 1 drink - If the poet asks what time it is: 1 drink
- If the poet says he/she is only going to read x more poems: 1 drink
If x is 4 or greater: 2 drinks - If the crowd laughs at something the poet says: 1 drink
If the poet pauses for a laugh line that bombs: 2 drinks - If the crowd claps after every poem: 1 drink
If someone jumps the gun on clapping: chug - If anyone in the crowd calls out a request: 2 drinks
- If the poet has a question-and-answer session after the reading: 2 drinks
- If someone in the crowd is noticeably falling asleep: 1 drink
If it's you: 2 drinks
If the poet pauses the reading to admonish a sleeper: chug - If there's a drunken heckler: chug
If it's you: leave
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Poet does obvious sucking up to:
* The host or emcee: 1 drink
* The source of the grant money: 2 drinks
* The head of an English department who is in the room: chug
Poet interrupts reading to try to "reason" with bored audience members who are talking with each other rather than listening to poet: 1 drink
* Poet's attempts to sway bored audience have no effect: 1 drink
Poet violently attacks members of audience: Stop drinking and run for your life
(This might come under the "bizarre behavior" option in your list. -- I once saw a poet at an open mike pick up the mike stand and violently smash it down in the middle of a nearby table at which two people were sitting and talking. The poet was apparently annoyed that they were talking and not listening to him. Fortunately no one was injured, although some glass broke.)
Poet mumbles the entire reading unintelligibly and nearly inaudibly: 1 drink with chaser
* Poet insults audience member who complains about not being able to hear the poet: 2 drinks
* Audience gasps at the insult: chug
Poet asks audience members for help shutting up other audience members who are talking during the reading: 1 drink
(I did this at an open mike reading once. It worked -- someone in the room yelled "Shut up!" and everyone got quiet while I was up at the mike reading.)
Poet reads poem in praise of leader of religious cult to which poet belongs: chug
Audience members leave because reading is so bad: 1 drink
* Audience members leave while the poet is reading (i.e. not during intermission): 2 drinks
* One of the audience members who leaves is you: don't drink any more; you shouldn't drink and drive
Audience members physically throw poet off the stage during the reading: offer drink to poet
(I saw this happen at a poetry reading by Yevgeny Yevtushenko in 1972 in St. Paul. A little bit into the reading, two men jumped up on stage, grabbed him, and threw him off the stage. They were apparently protesting the Soviet Union's treatment of Ukrainian nationalists or something along those lines. The two men were arrested and charged with something or other. Yevtushenko got back up on stage and finished the reading. It was later reported that he suffered three cracked ribs when he was thrown from the stage.)
* The host or emcee: 1 drink
* The source of the grant money: 2 drinks
* The head of an English department who is in the room: chug
Poet interrupts reading to try to "reason" with bored audience members who are talking with each other rather than listening to poet: 1 drink
* Poet's attempts to sway bored audience have no effect: 1 drink
Poet violently attacks members of audience: Stop drinking and run for your life
(This might come under the "bizarre behavior" option in your list. -- I once saw a poet at an open mike pick up the mike stand and violently smash it down in the middle of a nearby table at which two people were sitting and talking. The poet was apparently annoyed that they were talking and not listening to him. Fortunately no one was injured, although some glass broke.)
Poet mumbles the entire reading unintelligibly and nearly inaudibly: 1 drink with chaser
* Poet insults audience member who complains about not being able to hear the poet: 2 drinks
* Audience gasps at the insult: chug
Poet asks audience members for help shutting up other audience members who are talking during the reading: 1 drink
(I did this at an open mike reading once. It worked -- someone in the room yelled "Shut up!" and everyone got quiet while I was up at the mike reading.)
Poet reads poem in praise of leader of religious cult to which poet belongs: chug
Audience members leave because reading is so bad: 1 drink
* Audience members leave while the poet is reading (i.e. not during intermission): 2 drinks
* One of the audience members who leaves is you: don't drink any more; you shouldn't drink and drive
Audience members physically throw poet off the stage during the reading: offer drink to poet
(I saw this happen at a poetry reading by Yevgeny Yevtushenko in 1972 in St. Paul. A little bit into the reading, two men jumped up on stage, grabbed him, and threw him off the stage. They were apparently protesting the Soviet Union's treatment of Ukrainian nationalists or something along those lines. The two men were arrested and charged with something or other. Yevtushenko got back up on stage and finished the reading. It was later reported that he suffered three cracked ribs when he was thrown from the stage.)
Thanks, guys. A couple I realized I forgot:
If a notable portion of the audience makes the orgasmic "ooh" sound at the end of a poem: 1 drink
If someone arrives late for the reading: 1 drink
If they make an excessive amount of noise: 2 drinks
If the poet acknowledges them: chug
If a notable portion of the audience makes the orgasmic "ooh" sound at the end of a poem: 1 drink
If someone arrives late for the reading: 1 drink
If they make an excessive amount of noise: 2 drinks
If the poet acknowledges them: chug
If poet dedicates poem to dead dog/cat/parakeet: 1 drink
If poet begins poem with "Are you my knight in shining armor" (I saw this happen, good God): 6 drinks
If audience member(s) set fire to napkins with cigarette lighter and the sprinklers come on: 1 drink, then close tab
If poet continues to read amidst the smoke and the sprinklers: give poet drink
If poet begins poem with "I'd like to give a shout out to": leave immediately
If poet begins poem with "Are you my knight in shining armor" (I saw this happen, good God): 6 drinks
If audience member(s) set fire to napkins with cigarette lighter and the sprinklers come on: 1 drink, then close tab
If poet continues to read amidst the smoke and the sprinklers: give poet drink
If poet begins poem with "I'd like to give a shout out to": leave immediately
That's pretty fabulous, Steve.
I got a rejection letter from Crab Orchard today, in which they apologized for the delay in response. So I guess everyone should be hearing soon.
I got a rejection letter from Crab Orchard today, in which they apologized for the delay in response. So I guess everyone should be hearing soon.
Reading this post and the comments gave me a wide grin. I think I've witnessed most of these at various readings.
Poet mentions that poem was written while "visiting a cute little artist's retreat called Yaddo": 1 drink
Poet mentions that poem was written "while living in Italy": 2 drinks.
Poet mentions that poem is about "living in italy" and was written at a cute little artist's retreat called Yaddo: chug
Poet mentions that poem was written "while living in Italy": 2 drinks.
Poet mentions that poem is about "living in italy" and was written at a cute little artist's retreat called Yaddo: chug
Poet stops to twiddle open water bottle, drink and twiddle bottle closed after every poem -- match them drink for drink
Poet weeps at own poetry -- chug
Poet in two-person reading has obviously hit the reception-bartender in the lobby before Q&A and begins deploring the lack of "wild men" in poetry today -- take away her drink
-- rams
Poet weeps at own poetry -- chug
Poet in two-person reading has obviously hit the reception-bartender in the lobby before Q&A and begins deploring the lack of "wild men" in poetry today -- take away her drink
-- rams
# posted by 
: February 02, 2006 5:43 PM
: February 02, 2006 5:43 PM
Ohmigod, Steve! This was HILARIOUS. I didn't realize how common drunk hecklers must be. I went to a reading where the poet brought a guitar and played and sang "Tangled up in Blue," and one of my friends became the drunk heckler, shouting, "Whaddya mean, you're gonna sing? Read! Read! Read!" (actually trying to get the crowd to chant with her). Sooooooooo embarrassing.
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