Thursday, September 29, 2005
Poetry Forum Faux Pas Triple Play
In a single thread you must:
1. Post a poem with a lengthy explanation.
2. Tell someone who provides a negative critique that they're stupid.
3. Say the forum is awful and that you'll never post again.
Bonus points if it's your first poem posted on the forum. Bonus points if you post again in the same thread after threatening not to post on the board ever again.
Any other candidates for actions that could make the Poetry Forum Triple Play?
1. Post a poem with a lengthy explanation.
2. Tell someone who provides a negative critique that they're stupid.
3. Say the forum is awful and that you'll never post again.
Bonus points if it's your first poem posted on the forum. Bonus points if you post again in the same thread after threatening not to post on the board ever again.
Any other candidates for actions that could make the Poetry Forum Triple Play?
Comments:
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Steven,
It happened on the Gazebo last year with this woman. She did everything you challenged and more!
http://mockingbird.creighton.edu/NCW/brown-da.htm
It happened on the Gazebo last year with this woman. She did everything you challenged and more!
http://mockingbird.creighton.edu/NCW/brown-da.htm
Append "My friend the well-known poet X thought this was brilliant" to statement 2.
Bonus points if it's an unpublished "well-known" poet.
Bonus points if it's an unpublished "well-known" poet.
This is hilarious!
A terrible one: nuke the board. Hack it. Blow things up. This actually happened once or twice--as far as I and others could tell, that is--at a board I moderate at. They really went above and beyond the call of Assholedom, so you've at least got to tip your hat to them while you kick them in the shin. You know?
A terrible one: nuke the board. Hack it. Blow things up. This actually happened once or twice--as far as I and others could tell, that is--at a board I moderate at. They really went above and beyond the call of Assholedom, so you've at least got to tip your hat to them while you kick them in the shin. You know?
Triple bonus points if you then procede to post three other poems in succession and proclaim you've never had anybody be so straight-forward in their critiques and how refreshing it is.
Remove bonus points if you critique someone else's poem. Unless of course your comments are limited to : "I really like this poem - although I don't know why?".
Bonus points if you conspicuously critique a poem by your negative critiquer so as to give them a payback hatchet job.
Extra extra bonus points if you say on your thread "Why don't you post a poem for critique, [negative critiquer]?"
Extra extra bonus points if you say on your thread "Why don't you post a poem for critique, [negative critiquer]?"
Bonus points if you post under a pompous and pretentious user name, like "mysticpoet" or "giftofthemuse."
Additional bonus points if your user name also has a cutesy spelling: "misstickpo-wet."
Begin every post with "When you've been a Poet for as long as I have..." and end every post with "May you find Wisdom today."
Additional bonus points if your user name also has a cutesy spelling: "misstickpo-wet."
Begin every post with "When you've been a Poet for as long as I have..." and end every post with "May you find Wisdom today."
In fairness, there are a few special critical moves that can be called upon in time of dire need:
The Pre-Emptive Attack Critique: Begin your critique with four paragraphs calling all the critics who went before you stupid, malevolent, or misinformed. Not only will this endear the poet to you, but it will also establish your place in the critical hierarchy, far, far above all those other idiots.
The Google Critique: Google every proper noun in the poem. Also google the title and a selection of four or five random lines from the poem. In each instance, click on the first search-hit. Change a few words of the text that appears and paste it into your critique. Everyone will think you know all about the obscure elements of Knot Theory. You’re a prodigy!
The It’s-All-About-Me Critique: Begin your critique with a long explanation of some personal history or tragedy. Explain that, because of these painful experiences, you understood the poem completely and it filled you with inexplicable “feelings.” Bonus points if this is accompanied by a personal confession of a religious conversion, a prior drug or alcohol addiction, the loss of a loved one, someone in your family who has had cancer, or a statement about abuse (child, spousal, animal).
The Bait and Switch Critique: Begin your critique by talking about all the things that didn’t work in the poem, but flip-flop halfway through, ending with a glowing statement like “lick a stamp,” or “In the end, all that matters is that I loved it!” (This can also work vice versa). This way, you don’t have to take a stand, and everyone will like you!
The Little White Lie Critique: Start your critique (especially if it’s going to be a less than favorable one), with a statement of extreme praise for some very small element of the poem. E.g., “Your line break on “snow” was just phenomenal!!!” or “Your image of the crying elephant just BLEW MY MIND!!!” This will keep the poet from being discouraged. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not—the point is to make sure everyone feels good. (This is a not-so-distant relative of the Bait and Switch technique. Used in tandem, these critiques can make you virtually untouchable as a critic).
The I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get Up Critique: Implore the poet’s help in interpreting and appreciating the poem. Ask for explanations for every image. Explain that you can’t figure it out on your own, but you bet it’s real smart, if only someone would give you the Cliff Notes.
The Pre-Emptive Attack Critique: Begin your critique with four paragraphs calling all the critics who went before you stupid, malevolent, or misinformed. Not only will this endear the poet to you, but it will also establish your place in the critical hierarchy, far, far above all those other idiots.
The Google Critique: Google every proper noun in the poem. Also google the title and a selection of four or five random lines from the poem. In each instance, click on the first search-hit. Change a few words of the text that appears and paste it into your critique. Everyone will think you know all about the obscure elements of Knot Theory. You’re a prodigy!
The It’s-All-About-Me Critique: Begin your critique with a long explanation of some personal history or tragedy. Explain that, because of these painful experiences, you understood the poem completely and it filled you with inexplicable “feelings.” Bonus points if this is accompanied by a personal confession of a religious conversion, a prior drug or alcohol addiction, the loss of a loved one, someone in your family who has had cancer, or a statement about abuse (child, spousal, animal).
The Bait and Switch Critique: Begin your critique by talking about all the things that didn’t work in the poem, but flip-flop halfway through, ending with a glowing statement like “lick a stamp,” or “In the end, all that matters is that I loved it!” (This can also work vice versa). This way, you don’t have to take a stand, and everyone will like you!
The Little White Lie Critique: Start your critique (especially if it’s going to be a less than favorable one), with a statement of extreme praise for some very small element of the poem. E.g., “Your line break on “snow” was just phenomenal!!!” or “Your image of the crying elephant just BLEW MY MIND!!!” This will keep the poet from being discouraged. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not—the point is to make sure everyone feels good. (This is a not-so-distant relative of the Bait and Switch technique. Used in tandem, these critiques can make you virtually untouchable as a critic).
The I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get Up Critique: Implore the poet’s help in interpreting and appreciating the poem. Ask for explanations for every image. Explain that you can’t figure it out on your own, but you bet it’s real smart, if only someone would give you the Cliff Notes.
# posted by 
: September 30, 2005 11:35 AM
: September 30, 2005 11:35 AM
Bonus points for kicking the shit outta the poem and then ending the crit with "But thanks for letting me read and respond."
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# posted by : October 04, 2005 9:18 AM
: October 04, 2005 9:18 AM << Home
